DISCOURSE

Acceptance Is Not Giving Up: Elizabeth from Spilt Milk

Fat Talk

Every now and then, an extraordinary person comes into your life. One of those people for me is Elizabeth from Spilt Milk. I think Elizabeth is one of the most gorgeous souls I have ever met. She is kind, compassionate, forgiving, thoughtful and brave. I am incredibly proud (and blessed) that she is a friend! It also helps a bit that our 2yo’s are in love with each other!! I think anyone who met Elizabeth would leave the room going like this (like I always do when we get together).

Recently Elizabeth wrote this piece about what Fat Acceptance means to her, and I loved it so much I asked her if she would mind if I shared it with you.

Enjoy. I certainly did.

Acceptance Is Not Giving Up.

Creators and consumers of ‘mainstream’ discourses about body image and health (I’d include websites like Mamamia in this category) evidently have a hard time grappling with the concept of Fat Acceptance. It’s Fat, but it’s Acceptance. Acceptance, of Fat? What’s with that?

Given that the notion that fat=unhealthy has become so pervasive that it’s taken on the aura of a kind of foundational belief, it’s not hard to see why questioning that orthodoxy would create some discomfort. Confronting people with new information or new perspectives on old information invites defensiveness. It seems to me that arguing against ‘facts’ with ‘moar FACTS!’ appears to do this even more rapidly and spectacularly: it’s easier to dismiss FA activists as radicals with a dangerous agenda than to accept that what science indicates about health and weight is still full of shades of grey (and that consequently what we learn through the media is even more murky, obscured as it is by various economic and ideological biases). I’m not saying therefore that we should stop with the facts or the science. Just that many people go on maintaining their beliefs even in the face of contrary evidence largely because they want to (flat earth, anyone?), and when it comes to notions like calories in/calories out=weight or obesity=pandemic that will kill us all, it’s not going to be any different. Maybe Linda Bacon and other HAES proponents convince me largely because I want them to: it’s in my interest, as a fat person who would like to avoid a state of constant fear and loathing, to take a closer look at the science. To look at my body and think about how it behaves and what is best for it, and to draw different conclusions to those drawn by, say, the average long-term participant in an expensive diet programme. I don’t have all the answers but what I do have is a positive outlook; a focus on inclusiveness and individuality rather than misguided versions of ‘perfection’; a belief that exercise is integral to good health; a desire to enjoy eating, and life.

Contrary to what some critics of Fat Acceptance assert, the movement is not about claiming that there are no links at all between weight and health (rather, that correlations are commonly grossly exaggerated and misunderstood, and that promoting mainly weight loss measures as a ‘solution’ at the expense of a more positive approach to health and well-being is actively harmful.) Despite the fact that almost all the FA blogs I read include some reference to the increased well-being that can be found through enjoyment of movement and eating competence, there still remains a misconception that Fat Acceptance is only about being ‘unhealthy’ and celebrating that. Granted, one difference that FA blogs have from many mainstream discussions is a refusal to celebrate ‘health’ as some kind of virtue and to rank the ‘healthy’ above the ‘fat, lazy, bad, gluttonous, unhealthy masses’. I think that’s a positive thing, but it’s a feature of Fat Acceptance that many seem particularly challenged by in this current climate of policing bodies on ‘health’ grounds. Very often, responses I receive on Twitter or face-to-face reflect this: whenever I say something about size discrimination, I am guaranteed at least one response like “But don’t you realise fat is unhealthy?” Apparently, even though they may show in-principle support to any moves to end size discrimination, people simply must remind me that we Deathfatz are going to die sometime soon and that we shouldn’t be happy about our bodies. It’s almost as if when I say ‘it is wrong to prejudge or mistreat someone because of her size’ it doesn’t come out like that at all, but rather is translated to some variation of ‘I want everyone to be as fat as possible because I think it’s better and healthier to be extremely fat than to be any other size whatsoever and give me half a chance I’m going to make everyone really really fat and terrifying like me, ROARRR!’ Or perhaps it’s just that, you know, people don’t have a good grasp of the issues.

The result of assumptions being made about Fat Acceptance is a huge bucketload of skepticism (skepticism is actually a good thing, where it is applied in equal measure to arguments from the obesity-is-death side) or, more worryingly, outright ridicule and rejection. I think the cause of some of the unease people feel about Fat Acceptance is actually a misunderstanding of the aims of the movement: because the dominant paradigm is that thin is better and the result of that is a society obsessed with attaining and maintaining thinness, it appears to logically follow that a movement trying to subvert that would say the opposite. But we don’t. FA activists know that it’s impossible (and completely stupid) to try to ‘end’ thinness, or to promote fatness as an ideal for everyone. Rather, we wish to strip away any notion that there is a particular body type that is inherently superior. What Fat Acceptance does is for all people, not just fatties. Fat Acceptance makes all bodies acceptable, honours diversity, and calls for an end to body-shaming. That goes for skinny bodies too, whether they are considered ‘healthy’ or not.

Believing that thinness is the sole path to good health, and that it’s an expression of some kind of virtue (restraint, perhaps), also makes it difficult to accept that Fat Acceptance is a positive and optimistic movement. Viewing Fat Acceptance as merely the opposite of weight-loss promotion, through a prism of fat=unhealthy thinking, leads to the conclusion that FA is about giving up. Some feel that it’s about laziness, or cynicism, or despondency. Believing that fat bodies are inherently bad or unhealthy or ugly closes one’s mind off to Fat Acceptance. To a closed mind, the movement seems to be a matter of looking at one’s body and deciding what it can’t do (be thin) and therefore accepting a lesser quality of life based on a negative view of one’s own capabilities and status.

What a terrible misconception that is.

Most of us with fat bodies have had fat bodies for much of our lives. Most of us have struggled, in various ways and at various stages, through attempts to get thin. Most of us know more about self-loathing than we can even express.

Fat Acceptance is about rejecting that self-loathing and embracing a kinder relationship with ourselves and with other people. When we accept our fatness, we accept ourselves as we actually are in the world rather than waiting to attain some external validation that we are as we ‘should’ be. We are able to see our bodies for what they can do and not only for what they can’t do. And quite often, that new acceptance is translated into increased activity levels as it increasingly becomes okay to swim at the pool whilst fat, or walk the dog whilst fat, or play team sport and either not be very good or actually be brilliant, whilst fat. It is a terrible fact that many fat people experience the greatest ridicule whilst engaging in activity: fat bodies are so unacceptable that visibility is actively discouraged through teasing or disapproval or undisguised hostility — this is what the mainstream view of fat and health has led us to and it doesn’t enhance quality of life, let me tell you. We can only end all this sanctioned body-shaming through accepting that humans are diverse, complex, and that we have the right to respect, regardless of size. As I’ve written many times before, perpetuating fear about ‘obesity’ has negative, rather than the intended positive, health consequences.

There is nothing about the Fat Acceptance movement that could accurately be equated with giving up. Rather, I’d argue that the surest way to ensure a drop in quality of life is to wholeheartedly embrace diet culture and the habit of self-loathing so heavily promoted by aspects of the popular media. Allowing the pursuit of unattainable ‘perfection’ to get in the way of living happily and healthily in the now, regardless of your size and shape, is not positive or good for you. It’s also not about health. I choose to reject that negativity in favour of a much better relationship with my body. My body, today, is good enough to go to the gym or wear a new dress or dance or have sex or play on the floor with my kid or to run up the stairs at work, even if I jiggle and even if I sweat and get out of breath. (Thin people sweat and get out of breath, too, although it’s apparently only disgusting or humorous when fat people do.) My body, today, is worth taking care of and will still be next week or next year, whether I lose weight or not.

What really ends, when we embrace Fat Acceptance, is not the pursuit of a better quality of life but rather the waiting to be good enough for life. What’s so radical or terrifying or unhealthy or dangerous about that?

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What to do about Fat Talk – Guest Post by Jessica

Fat Talk

One of the aims of Discourse is to provide a safe space for people to share their own personal experiences and reflections. Today I am so excited that Jessica has agreed to let me send a piece she wrote about what I call negative Fat Talk. Jessica is one of those people that totally brings a smile to my face. If you haven’t visited Jessica’s blog Tangled Up In Lace, I would really encourage you to subscribe to it – its one of my fav’s!

SO OVER TO JESSICA!

You just wanted to get a bit of lunch and dress shop with them.  You’re skimming through the racks of clothes and then all of a sudden the disgust in their tone hits you square in the face.

“Ugh I’m so FAT”

“I look so FAT in this!!”

“I just feel so FAT today”

We’ve all been there. Every body has been with that friend, family member or coworker.  I say every body because whether you’re thin or fat or some varying gradient in between the two, you’ve been subjected to someone’s body hate against your will.  Regardless of how you feel about your body you know get the pleasant surprise of someone else’s issues planted into your reality.

Of all the negative things I experience as a fat person, this is one that sends me into a bevy of doubt and confusion.

First, when you say any of these things around me, I’m going to make it about me.  Plain and simple that’s my knee jerk reaction.  You clearly hate the idea of fat and you clearly hold your worth in whether or not you are fat.  Feeling fat has upset you so much you shared it with me….a legitimately fat person.  I will then proceed to over analyse our relationship and instantly feel insecure about it.  I’m fat, you hate fat….so clearly you must hate me.  Right??  I’m going to start in on an inner dialogue of your motives behind saying this in front of me.  Did you want me to quickly dispel the idea that you were as fat and disgusting as you think I am?  Do you want me to commiserate with you?  Did you want me to hate my body the way you hate yours and validate those feelings?

The thing is, it’s not about me.  It’s about your issues with your body and how you determine your worth. It’s about you shaming yourself in front of others so that they may be invited to judge your body and worth with you.  It’s about how you see fat in your mind and how we use the descriptor fat as a blanket adjective for anything negative you’re actually feeling.   You’ve most likely said this in front of thin people too because you’re too involved in your body hate to ever really take notice of your audience.  It most likely didn’t even occur to you that I was fat when you lamented about your real or imaginary fat.  Insecurities always overshadow social awareness.

Although I love my body immensely, I do believe I’m hypersensitive to the thoughts of others.  I don’t necessarily concern myself with whether or not you love my body the way I do, but it definitely upsets me when people are disgusted by it.  If I know you’re the type of person who pictures a body like mine when they’re at the gym or when they’re denying themselves food as inspiration, I will get upset.  This sort of public display of body hate is damaging to anyone involved no matter how they currently feel about their own bodies.

I struggled for a long time with how to address such comments.  I refuse to say, “No you’re not” in response and encourage the rest of you to do the same.  All it does is encourage the behaviour and acknowledge fat as a negative.

I do encourage you to respond with how the statement makes YOU feel and what it actually means.  Open up the dialogue about their body hate and keep them accountable for their words.  More often than not these offenders had tunnel vision when they made the comment and need to be made aware that in shaming their body, they may also shame yours.  Maybe make a point to start using the word fat in a neutral or positive way around these people in a way desconstructing their ideas on fat.

More than anything live as a good example of body positivity.  Speak positively or not at all about your body.  Everyone has bad days, but its important to remember that when you speak…PEOPLE LISTEN

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