What to do about Fat Talk – Guest Post by Jessica
One of the aims of Discourse is to provide a safe space for people to share their own personal experiences and reflections. Today I am so excited that Jessica has agreed to let me send a piece she wrote about what I call negative Fat Talk. Jessica is one of those people that totally brings a smile to my face. If you haven’t visited Jessica’s blog Tangled Up In Lace, I would really encourage you to subscribe to it – its one of my fav’s!
SO OVER TO JESSICA!
You just wanted to get a bit of lunch and dress shop with them. You’re skimming through the racks of clothes and then all of a sudden the disgust in their tone hits you square in the face.
“Ugh I’m so FAT”
“I look so FAT in this!!”
“I just feel so FAT today”
We’ve all been there. Every body has been with that friend, family member or coworker. I say every body because whether you’re thin or fat or some varying gradient in between the two, you’ve been subjected to someone’s body hate against your will. Regardless of how you feel about your body you know get the pleasant surprise of someone else’s issues planted into your reality.
Of all the negative things I experience as a fat person, this is one that sends me into a bevy of doubt and confusion.
First, when you say any of these things around me, I’m going to make it about me. Plain and simple that’s my knee jerk reaction. You clearly hate the idea of fat and you clearly hold your worth in whether or not you are fat. Feeling fat has upset you so much you shared it with me….a legitimately fat person. I will then proceed to over analyse our relationship and instantly feel insecure about it. I’m fat, you hate fat….so clearly you must hate me. Right?? I’m going to start in on an inner dialogue of your motives behind saying this in front of me. Did you want me to quickly dispel the idea that you were as fat and disgusting as you think I am? Do you want me to commiserate with you? Did you want me to hate my body the way you hate yours and validate those feelings?
The thing is, it’s not about me. It’s about your issues with your body and how you determine your worth. It’s about you shaming yourself in front of others so that they may be invited to judge your body and worth with you. It’s about how you see fat in your mind and how we use the descriptor fat as a blanket adjective for anything negative you’re actually feeling. You’ve most likely said this in front of thin people too because you’re too involved in your body hate to ever really take notice of your audience. It most likely didn’t even occur to you that I was fat when you lamented about your real or imaginary fat. Insecurities always overshadow social awareness.
Although I love my body immensely, I do believe I’m hypersensitive to the thoughts of others. I don’t necessarily concern myself with whether or not you love my body the way I do, but it definitely upsets me when people are disgusted by it. If I know you’re the type of person who pictures a body like mine when they’re at the gym or when they’re denying themselves food as inspiration, I will get upset. This sort of public display of body hate is damaging to anyone involved no matter how they currently feel about their own bodies.
I struggled for a long time with how to address such comments. I refuse to say, “No you’re not” in response and encourage the rest of you to do the same. All it does is encourage the behaviour and acknowledge fat as a negative.
I do encourage you to respond with how the statement makes YOU feel and what it actually means. Open up the dialogue about their body hate and keep them accountable for their words. More often than not these offenders had tunnel vision when they made the comment and need to be made aware that in shaming their body, they may also shame yours. Maybe make a point to start using the word fat in a neutral or positive way around these people in a way desconstructing their ideas on fat.
More than anything live as a good example of body positivity. Speak positively or not at all about your body. Everyone has bad days, but its important to remember that when you speak…PEOPLE LISTEN
Themocracy
This stuff is hard. I try using fat as a neutral or positive adjective, but then people fall over themselves to tell me that I’m not. The Boyfriend uses it in a positive way to describe me but then others act like he’s being insulting. It gets really tiring.
Argh I totally agree with this. Sometimes when I talk to my friend who has just moved to Japan I wish she would tell me about the bars and the food and the alcohol and the shops and the people rather than how fat she feels. Because when she talks about hating her own average sized body, it makes me feel like I should be hating on my fat rolls of love.
My favorite is “I feel fat.”
Because, you know, fat is an emotion and all…
Oooh what about “I’m having a FAT DAY!” Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Faturday Sunday….. ???? WTF!
My heart is full!! I’m happy to have the opportunity to be inspired by you all <3 xoxo
And we love you back!!!! Keep up the amazing work!
A couple of weeks ago I was at a girls night in with about a dozen other women, not close friends, who ranged in size from thin to inbetweenish. And then there was me, all 139kg of me. When the body hate talk started I was thinking “Hello? I’m standing RIGHT HERE!” but I couldn’t think of any way to join the conversation constructively. I wasn’t particularly upset by the implicit judgment of my own body but I felt excluded from the group nonetheless.
Eventually, someone said something about wishing they had the confidence to be/do/wear whatever they wanted without worrying about being fat and I seized the moment and told them all “You can have that confidence, it’s hard work to get there but it’s so worth it.”
It was interesting, because by bringing the attention to the room to myself and saying, in effect “Here I am, fat and comfortable with that fact” I totally killed the diet and body hate conversation for the rest of the evening and we just got on with eating, drinking and playing Singstar
I wish I had a like button on this blog sometimes because LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE
!!!!!!
Mimbles, you are my new hero.
I have pre-warned a subset of my friends that any mention of being fat will be met with “yes you are, and you’re fabulous!”. It has largely stopped the conversation from those people.
Belly dancing, on the other hand, is a whole new nest of fat hatred. My teacher does it a bit and I have a range of responses. Things like pointing out that getting fatter as you get older is almost inevitable, that lots of belly dancers are not stick figures and comments along the lines of “I gave up giving a sh*t a long time ago” sort of shut it down.
Which is not to say I always handle it without internalising it, or feeling awkward or whatever. I’m really not able to tell people how it makes me feel, because I’m not even sure how it makes me feel. Irritated? Manipulated? Bored? So sometimes I just ride it out until it goes away, or if the person is young enough, I might tell them they are being ridiculous and I won’t listen to that kind of rubbish. A mish-mash in other words.
You officially are my 200th comment! YEY!
Sometimes I think opening up the love your body thing can end up in some fabulous conversation. Today I had the most glorious conversation with two older women at work (who I would describe as being more conservative about these types of things). We started out talking about our post baby bodies and how our tummies were a badge of honour… and ended up talking about having great boobs, fabulous bra’s and nicely pinchable butts! It was the absolute highlight of my day! Sometimes I reckon just starting the conversation can be so wonderful!!
That sounds like a great conversation and just the type I like.
Great post Jessica. My problem is I have a hard time vocalising my discomfort at the fat hatred of others. Considering I am much larger than all the people I know and see when people start on about how they hate their love handles or their tummies after having 3 kids I do internalise it and think gawd what must they think about me?
3 weeks ago I had the chairwoman of the local health advisory board here, discussing some options for my health issues and she sat across from me rubbed her tummy and said Öh thanks Jan I always thought I wanted to lose a few pounds of my tummy but after seeing the size of you, I won’t worry about it. WTF?
I worked with this woman in the human services area, she is on the local council and she writes a column for the local paper on health matters.
This woman would be a size 10 if that. She also owns a local restaurant and when I told her I can’t leae my home as there was no where that could accomodate my bulk she said “No you wouldn’t be able to come to my restaurant you would break the chairs”.
Bloody amazing isn’t it how so called intelligent people are so bloody naieve and dumb to the needs and wellbeing of others.
I am going to write to her when I can compose a sensible letter and tell her what affect her attitude had on my. I will also be writing to the director general of health in this area.
Wow sorry if I am ranting and monopolising this post.
Love reading the stories here. Keep ém coming.
Jan I wonder if there is anything that the FA community can do to help you? Write on your behalf or something. I have no idea what we can do, but if there is any help you would like then please let us know… xx
Hi Samantha
I’m not sure if the FA community can help, but I am open to suggestions. I guess I am also a little annoyed at myself for not defending myself or even setting them straight at the time they make these comments. I would like to develop a standard answer that is both eloquent and also sends them the message that their attitude is not acceptable. So maybe if people could send some suggestions of what I can say in future.
What the hell Jan, that woman sounds absolutely horrible. I do hope you write those letters, people like that need to be called out on their behaviour!
Jessica, I loved this post. I’m lucky to have close friends who have more interesting things to talk about than their weight/lovehandles/self-loathing. But I’ve just recently started a new job, and I have colleagues again (after a few years of not doing paid work) and so I’m thrown together with people who have different attitudes. I’d forgotten how jarring it can be to overhear a conversation in the staff room about how ‘bad’ someone was on the weekend by eating a whole hotdog, and how ‘disgusting’ someone else feels her arse is for no longer fitting her size 8 pre-pregnancy jeans. It’s so othering, being the fat person in the room when that kind of talk goes on. Even though I’ve come such a long way on my journey to self acceptance, those comments from virtual strangers still really hurt. I’ve actually avoided introducing myself to the people whose fat-hatred I’ve overheard because I fear what they will think of me. It’s like school yard bullies again. Maybe I should print out your post and stick it by the water cooler
I intend to write the letters, not the least to educate her to take a more professional approach.
This is really great post. I have definitely experienced thin friends of mine whining to me about how they’re so fat and it’s so horrible and ugly and it’s just like…. what exactly do you want me to say?! If I say ‘no of course you’re not fat’ it just seems like I’m agreeing that fat is ugly and horrible but I’m not going to agree since you know, they aren’t fat. I, however, am fat and I’m happy with that but still, despite having a blog entitled FAT AUS, people find it necessary to tell me ‘don’t be silly, you’re not fat.’
I haven’t got any new ideas about the subject, I’m just venting my frustrations.
Great post Jessica.
It used to really upset me. I would carry other people’s fat loathing so close to my own heart that I would be deeply hurt when I encountered this kind of thing.
Nowdays, providing it’s a day that I have enough sanity points, I challenge it. Usually by saying “Do you know what you’re saying with me standing right here?” It makes them stop and think, and then I try to open up a discussion about how their fat loathing IS a reflection on me, because almost always I’m fatter than they will ever be. I figure if I can get them thinking twice, it’s a step.
This all comes at a very opportune time. I have been feeling rather sad about a dear friend who announced to the world (FB) that she would rather be dead than fat. I was dumbfounded and hurt beyond belief. I now have some perspective and this post really helped me see what was really happening. I can now forgive her and get on with the business of being friends. Thanks. I needed this.