Childhood Bullying. Nick tells his story.
Many of you will have seen the video posted of young Casey being bullied, and fighting back, at an Australian school. It has raised a lot of questions about what kids go through – often without any support or action from schools. It took me six attempts to watch that entire video. I found it incredibly painful to watch. I had many emails from people asking me to talk about the issue, particularly from a fat kids perspective.
When I saw the video, I immediately thought of my dear friend Nick Perkins. I went to a talk a few months ago where Nick described in detail some of the bullying he had experienced as a kid. Nick in many ways is my hero. It takes amazing strength and courage to be able to deal with the shit that he did at school. He is a tremendous person, and I asked him if he would share his thoughts here at Discourse.
Over to Nick….
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I finally watched the latest YouTube video that has been doing the rounds of the media outlets in Australia over the last two days. Titled “Fat Kid Fights Back”, we see what happens when a kid who is being bullied snaps, loses control, and takes matters into his own hands. The end result is a nasty body slam which resulted in the bully breaking his ankle and both kids being suspended from school.
Since the ‘fat kid’ has a name, or at least a supposed name, I will call him Casey. There is a whole lot of support in the community for Casey and even backlash against him being suspended from school. It is timely that this has come to light with Anti-Bullying Week being in full swing. And yet the only thing I could feel when I was watching it was sadness. Utter sadness, even tears.
Lindsey “The Doctor” McDougal said it best this afternoon on his radio show on Triple J. He had watched the video today and he spoke about how it took him back to his childhood where he was bullied. By his accounts he was (and is) a bit of a nerd and that learning guitar was the only thing that saved him from the bullies. He mentioned that it brought back the feelings of being bullied and punched and kicked. The feeling of being harassed by his girlfriend’s mate, who would call him gay and such stupid stuff that kids do.
All I could think of while watching the video was how awful it is to be bullied. I was bullied at school for a long time. I think it started in year four or year five where I used to get picked on because I was fat and slow and soft. I have never been a hard arse and so I was an easy target for those who needed some way to feel better about themselves. The daily teasing and taunting would eat at me. It just hurt so much to see everyone laughing at you. I didn’t really have friends at school because they didn’t want to have to deal with these people. I used to hang around some of these people because at least it was better than nothing.
Then there were the times that I would snap. One final verbal dig or one final push, punch or kick and I would snap. I would go ballistic. Yet I was a useless fighter so I would end up going rounds with some kid for no reason and end up in a worse position than I was. I was fat, slow and couldn’t defend myself. Awesome.
Sometime in year eight I was being picked on again. I remember two of the three boys clearly and could tell you their names. I was punched and kicked. I was punted square in the gonads by one of the boys and then had a bin, with its full contents, dumped on my head. I was out the front of the school admin building so the teachers and principal were probably somewhere around.
So I’ve just been kicked in the nuts, been punched and kicked some more, called names and had a bin dumped on me. So what did I do? I snapped. I ran after the boys and swore and yelled and hit and whatever else I could. Again I was still a useless fighter but what could you do? And then the principal or a teacher came out and saw it and that was that.
I was called before the principal to explain my actions. I explained and pleaded and begged. Nothing was to be had for it. I retaliated, and therefore I was the one to be punished. I don’t believe they were punished at all, because I think they denied it. The pain in my nuts and the self loathing in my head and my heart couldn’t deny it though.
To this day I have terrible relationships with men. I prefer the company of women and have very few close male friends. I am easily overpowered (mentally and in status) by men. I will avoid situations where I have to be around guys my own age or older. I just feel constantly intimidated.
Do you have any idea how much of my life is made so much harder by the shit I went through as a child? The name calling and the fights and the people who didn’t stick up for me all sit at the back of my mind and come back to haunt me. So much of my childhood was painful and full of tears or just plain self-hate that I have no real fond memories.
I don’t get to look back at all the fun I had when I was growing up. I look back and wish that I could reach out and help that little kid who just needed some support. All he needed was for someone to stand up and say that bullying is not ok. Verbal abuse and physical abuse is not ok. It doesn’t matter what colour, size, shape, socio-economic background someone comes from. It is never ok. Never.
I will live with the memories of my childhood forever and I will have to deal with the consequences of not only my actions but the actions (and inaction) of those who were around in my younger years. Casey will have to deal with the same thing. Let us just hope that now people will support him and help him through this tough time.
Me and Nick Perkins
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If you would like to access resources for bullying you can go to this webpage
If you are a young person who needs to talk to someone about bullying, the number for Kidsline in Australia is 1800 55 1800 or you can go to their website
Themocracy
Thank you Nick for sharing your story. *hugs you lots*
My 9 year old got off the school bus last week in tears because he was being harassed during the ride home by a couple of kids from another school about his weight. When it happened again the next time he was on the bus I rang the other school and spoke to the Principal. She was great, the bullies were made to apologize to Tom the next afternoon and were not permitted to catch the bus that day. From now on they are required to sit right at the front of the bus where the driver can keep an eye on them and the Principal has asked me to call straight away if there are any more problems.
When I tweeted my distress at what had happened that first day Tom received so many messages of love and support on my feed. It was just wonderful, the effect of knowing that people were hearing him, believing him and were willing to go in to fight for him was transformative. When the Principal of the other school responded in the same way Tom was thrilled. I don’t know if the problem is completely solved, we might find out when he catches the bus home this afternoon, but at least Tom knows that the adults in his life are there for him. I hope that’s enough.
We love Tom!
Tom is LOVELY
Thank you for sharing this, Nick. I can certainly relate. The one time I fought back, I also got in trouble. Yet the two years of daily beatings by about 10-15 girls? Nothing! And I, too, have difficult relationships with women. I never saw a connection until now. Thank you thank you thank you!
Thank you for this post Samantha and especially Nick for sharing your story. It takes bravery to do that. I understand why you would feel easily dominated by other men but believe me, I know plenty who are not as strong as you have shown yourself to be. Big hugs.
I was viciously bullied as a child for most of primary school and some of high school. The bullying was, at times, near-constant. I was verbally and physically harrassed, I was excluded and I was intimidated. It was extremely traumatic and I still struggle to come to terms with the impact this had on me. Years later some of the bullies apologised to me: I really struggled to be appreciative because I felt like they wanted to absolve themselves, but I understand now that it took some guts for them to eventually do the right thing too.
The bullying I received has had a lasting effect on my life. I hate it when people say ‘oh, but you are a stronger person now’ because, well, it’s not like that. I can’t be grateful for that trauma. I accept it now, I survived it, and I learned from it. But that doesn’t ultimately make it normal or excusable.
One interesting moment for me was when an adult stepped in and defended me in a meaningful way for the first time. My primary school teachers had always taken a ‘kids will be kids’ approach and largely failed to intervene. One week we had a substitute teacher and one day I was being harrassed in the playground and she waded in, gave the kids a serve, gave me a hug, and proceeded to protect me for the rest of the week. I genuinely was shocked. Here was someone who seemed to think it wasn’t ok for me to be treated that way. I hadn’t actually realised, until then, that it was anything but normal to have bullies at school.
So when I read stories like mimbles’ about a school principal stepping in and making a difference, and other adults offering support and understanding to kids, I feel so relieved. There is too little of that. Bullying is not ‘character building’ and it is certainly not a useful tool in the ‘war on obesity!’ no matter how many comedians and others imply that it is! Adults have a responsibility to step up. And that goes for adult bullying as well. We see plenty of it online. We’ve got to keep calling the bullies to account.
“I hate it when people say ‘oh, but you are a stronger person now’ because, well, it’s not like that.”
Yes, I absolutely hate it when people excuse bullying because it builds character or toughess or some other bullshit. The fact is I didn’t think I was fat or ugly until someone else told me I was. It is deeply damaging as I wish people would recognise it for the violence it is.
I think for many people bullying (and this is stating the obvious) breeds insecurity, distrust, self loathing and a tendency to continue being bullied.
I thought I was awesome til I some kid/s started in on me about how ugly, stupid and fat I was….didn’t take long for the downward spiral of self loathing that stays with me to this day (and I am 40).
It’s made me “stronger” in that I try not to FEEL much any more….I try not to worry about the guy sitting at the local pub as I walk past on my way to the shop, who sniggers or calls me buddha, or, well, any one of many things….feeling hurts…but, not feeling? I think it hurts more.
Oh Nick, I just want to give you a big hug. You’re so wonderful and I’m really glad to know you.
/schmaltz
+100000000000
God these stories are gut wrenching. It brings back the worst 3 years of my life: harassed, abused & assaulted by a group of girls at high school because I was different (well, very bloody cool really & they were fearful bogans). Not a single adult in the school stood up for me, I pleaded, my parents pleaded, in the end we threatened police action at the next physical assault. So the bullying just continued verbally. In the end my parents sent me into the private system @ huge burden to their finances – but it saved my life.
Now, in a great ironic twists, my parents moved to a new house & one of my tormenters lives, you guessed it, next door! I can’t describe the loosening in my gut when I saw her for the first time. She recognized me & I recognized in her face the shame of remembering what a despicable teenager she was. I held myself tall, shook her hand & told her how fantastic my life turned out after escaping the torture of that school. Even then, with the elephant on the table illuminated by a stage light, she didn’t apologise. But I’m ok with that because over the year since my folks moved there I come to know her life is miserable; she’s created for herself the kind of life a bully deserves – she’s unhealthy, bitter, sad, bored & boring. And whilst I still harbor deep hurt & insecurity b/c of her, I have a life I love, full of colour & fun & people who are worth my time. That’s the best revenge isn’t it!
Finally though, I think we need to change the language around bullying. It’s an innocuous word, when what we are really talking about when it’s bad is assault, criminal harassment & stalking – which are punishable under law & that is the recourse parents & victims should be using when their cries for help aren’t dealt with by schools, sports clubs & other places that this aberrant behaviour occurs. Let’s call the stuff that happens to Casey, Nick & countless others exactly what it is.
I was briefly bullied at primary school by a boy in a grade below me, and was told that I should stop it myself given I was bigger than him (this was after he punched me in the face). He stopped or something, I don’t exactly recall what happened that made it stop.
The rest of my childhood in Alice Springs was relatively bully free (up to 13 years old when we moved). I feuded with one of the girls in my year level and there was some silliness, but not bullying.
Then we moved to Bendigo… and wow… bullying. I was kicked, called names, made to feel different, that I didn’t belong, that I was an outcast. The school my parents sent me to was very classist… if you weren’t born in the town to old money, they didn’t want to know you. So for the most part I hung out with the other outcasts and called them friends, but then I still faced bullying from the other girls (and some boys). I protected (as much as I could) a good friend of mine who was more bullied than I, and helped her find coping mechanisms (laugh with them and they go away was one I had to learn).
University was the first time I was free of bullying in 5 years and realised that I could be MYSELF and not have to be someone else.
A result of all this bullying is that I don’t trust women who have some of the attributes that are shared with those who bullied me – which means I’ve probably missed out on some really good friends.
Thanks for sharing Nick and Sam. I was a normal kid all through school. I was never bullied and for that I am incredibly grateful. I had honestly never thought about what it must be like or the long term effect of this kind of behaviour. It was only while organising a school reunion a few years back with a friend and we were contacting other past students that I first heard that some of these had horrible experiences at school and would not ever wish to see those people again. I scanned my mind and tried to think who had hurt these people so badly and why. I feel so sad that I had no knowledge or awareness at all and then wondered if I did what would I have done. It was the answer that bothers me the most. I’m not sure I would have done anything. I know I would not have joined in but to do nothing, say nothing really makes one complicit in the bullying and abuse.
Nick your honesty is very helpful thank you
Thanks for sharing your story, Nick – I’m afraid I’m another whose story shares the awful themes. It took me years to even allow myself to be angry that this happened, let alone work through it. I’m 47 years old, and like you, it still affects my life, and I still remember their names. Adults were no help – in my day, the phrase will “it’s just words” and “kids will be kids”.
And it kills me that it’s still going on and people – ADULT people – still think it’s ok. It’s not. The scars may not show, but oh, they are there.
It’s all too horribly real for many of us. For me, 20 yrs after my final year, and the bullying still resonates and is as fresh as if it were yesterday. When I commented about some such bullying on a facebook reunion page, my tormenters basically told me ‘they were over it, all grown up, moved on and such lovely people now!!!’ oh sorry, my mistake….guess I’ll build that bloody bridge now. Shouldn’t be too hard…. It’s only been what…almost 30 years living with no self respect. But hey, suck it up fat girl and get on!
Thanks Nick and everyone for sharing. We’re not alone.
Replying to myself…what’s that mean?
On a serious note though, my youngest child’s local school is now promoting a “Fostering resilience” mentoring scheme…cos ya know…kids will be kids, and bullying (said in quite undertones in the hopes no one will hear), happens, I guess, just like um..shit happens!!!
I’m all for standing up for yourself and not letting the bastards take you down…but this attitude of “hardening the f**k” up”…life dudes and all of that BS..what on earth is that teaching kids? That it’s okay to be a bully if the person on the receiving end tolerates it in a quite manner…as Catherine Tate’s character “Nan Taylor” might respond…”The F***ing liberty!!!”
I honestly can’t remember NOT being bullied. Being treated as less than, or second/third class, or being the butt of the joke was normal for me. No matter who I told the answer was always to just ignore it, or to lay the blame at my feet and tell me well then try to lose the weight. I always felt like it was what I deserved, that it was my fault. Then at the age of 25 when I was talking to a counselor and telling him what my childhood was like he looked at me with shock and in complete seriousness said “Cordy, that was flat out abuse, that is NOT normal, nor is it ok.” I was literally rendered speechless and could not respond for the longest time. The thought that, the stuff I had gone through that had annihilated any self worth I might have been able to muster, and bred complete self hate inside me, that that was not my fault and not right blew my mind. It was THE VERY FIRST TIME IN MY WHOLE LIFE THAT I had ever heard anything like that and I had no clue how to process it or respond to it.
Even now I struggle because save for a very few people in my life, and the FA movement I still hear pretty much on a daily basis that it is all my fault and I deserve it. I see now how messed up that is, and how wrong that mindset is. It kills me that it took till I was 25 years old to be told by someone that what I dealt with wasn’t ok. It kills me that people stand by and put the blame on the victim instead of taking the opportunity to be a hero in someones life.
I think sharing our stories is a start and I thank Nick for doing just that and Sam that you gave Nick a platform. We need to tell people that that kind of treatment is wrong and that their worth isn’t tied into their size, or shape, or looks.
I send hugs to you, Nick. I am 61 years old, I have cerebral palsy, I grew up with abusive alcoholic parents, & I too was abused/ridiculed/ostracized all through school…for being bookish & nerdy, brighter than most of the kids around me, for being disabled, of course, not good at sports, not being ‘beautiful’ or graceful. I never had more than 1 or 2 friends, if that, & the kids I hung out with were the other ‘losers’ & outcasts. All through school & even in college, I was the ‘fat, ugly, cripped four-eyed freak.’ I was the girl whose name got the boys to shower & dress fast because the last one out of the locker room after gym class was “Patsy Perkins’ boyfriend.” I was never asked to a game, a school dance, to the movies, out to dinner, but I was groped & propositioned by boys who wanted to have sex with me as long as we were never seen together in public & nobody knew about it. I was always emotionally, verbally, psychologically, & sexually abused by my parents & other adults, so there was no refuge, no safe place, no support or help for what I went through. I have dealt with digestive issues since childhood & I still remember the pain in my stomach, the nausea, the fear to the point of trembling when it was time to get on the school bus in the morning.
I do understand, Nick, & I am so sorry for what you survived, for what all of us have survived. I AM a strong person, it is true, I am a survivor, but I do not think that I am a better or stronger person because of the hell I have endured & I do not think that growing up that way is good for anyone.
Oh heck what so many harrowing stories. Makes me feel so sad and angry. Nick thanks for your story. Samantha thank you for discussing a current and emotive subject.
In my case bullying occurred in the home by one of my brothers. Being told constantly how fat, ugly etc. I was became ingrained into my psyche and to this day I have low self esteem.
I am glad that you-tube removed the video from its site.
Hi Jan, I was thinking about you today!
S xx
Hey Samantha I’m still around just bumbling along.
I look forward to your each new discussion.
I love the work that you do.
Congratulations Nick.
I was never picked on at school and was never one to pick on someone, but there were two girls at my primary school who were shunned because they had red hair. I always felt sorry for them but i have always carried pangs of regret because I watched them suffer for years and never once stood up for them. I would walk away. It has haunted me for years and I often wonder where they are now. I just want to apologise to them for being too gutless to intervene.
Thanks to everyone who shared their stories. It reminds me of a sign I saw for an upcoming event at the local Friends School, “The Bully, The Bullied, The Bystander, and The Bold.” I didn’t attend the event, but those four words made a big impact on me. Growing up I didn’t realize there was a fourth category. I chose bystander over bullied, but wish I’d been bold.
Thank you so much Nick for sharing your story. I understand that might not have been easy for you, but I wanted you to know that I really, really appreciate it.
Thank you. You are brave and wonderful: a prince.
Dr. Thomas, I wanted to come over and thank you for providing a forum for Nick to share on. I think stories like this need to be shared.
My heart breaks for all kids who are mistreated this way. I wish adults could be more understanding of kids who are bullied. I wish they could realize how deeply it hurts. Thanks for sharing your story.
[...] Two Fat Experiences Are Alike By Samantha Thomas, April 1, 2011 Tweet After Nicks terrific bullying post, I wanted to start a series of guest posts here at [...]